Recently I was surfing on facebook and decided to look up some old school friends from my former primary school. As I found most of them I felt sad, because then I remembered that I didn't quite enjoy my elementary school experience. Believe it or not I had an odd mixture of being very bold and very insecure at the same time. I was bold in the sense that I was never afraid to tell you exactly what I thought without using the rules of diplomacy. Trust me I have finally mastered this after years and years of foot in mouth disease. And I was insecure in that I lacked self confidence. People looking on wouldn't have realized that as much because of how unafraid I was to express myself verbally, but I had serious insecurities.
As I went through the faces one by one, I started to recall my interactions with each person. I went to an all girl catholic school that was considered one of the top elementary schools in the country. To date, I do not know how all my sisters got into that school, because it was very far from where we lived and we didn't come from a background of money or prestige. I'm sure the administrative staff and principals thought the same as well.
So most of the girls in my class came from well to do homes or had great academic family backgrounds of which very few of us belonged to neither, and those are the ones I would find myself in friendship with. They eventually went on to the best high schools and for some reason I went to a school that I didn't even put on my list. I was a victim of circumstance, fell through the cracks and my family didn't have the social capital to get me out of it. My mother tried but my dad just didn't care. The funny thing is the school I eventually went to, though it had (at that time) one of the worst reputations in the country, turned out to be one of my better school experiences with friends who i still love and enjoy today.
Needless to say most of my primary school mates, I'm no longer in contact with once I left that era of my life. From their facebook profiles, most are unmarried with kids. I guess that is why they were so easy to find. It's so hard to find females on facebook especially if they use their married names and you don't know it. Most of them look like a resemblance of themselves but the wear and tear of life shows. And though a picture speaks a thousand words, empty seems to be the one word that screams out when you look at the pictures. That may be judgmental of me one might say, ok then, maybe they just chose the wrong picture to represent themselves and we'll leave it at that. I did take consolation in the fact that I looked so much better than they did...haha... sweet justice. But they did have one thing over me and this is something that I desired to have by a certain age, my degree. But due to circumstances in life, it just wasn't possible at this time.
Let's be honest, I looked at most of them and remembered how much I disliked them and how they treated me. I recalled all the silly games and conversations we had or the fights and silent moments as they would gang up on weaker individuals. This is so funny, because most of them are friends with each other. That fact struck me most of all. I guess birds of a feather to flock together. But I don't want the reader to leave with the feeling that I was bitter or still is . I really am not. The thing is once you start focusing on unpleasant things in the past it becomes your present. So I started looking at the good things in my life. I looked at the fact that I married the man of my dreams. A great husband and an exceptional father. I have two gorgeous kids who I can't wait to see when they wake up in the morning and spend time with. I've had a successful career in Banking and Teaching. I am skilled in several areas and function in many areas in all the churches I've been to. And most of all I have the love of a Father who has seen me through all of the worst times in my life and who only has the best for me. The relationship I have with Him and the character that he has formed in me is priceless. I am humbled that He loves me so much.
Then while I was thinking about those good things, I started to reflect on how I could've been different. How I could've been a better friend or person to be around. And I repented. I recalled specifics situations that for the first time I saw how I contributed to my own unhappiness and finally dealt with it. Of course I told my husband how I felt and he encouraged me as he should. But even when people encourage you, you still have to deal with it yourself. And I asked God to forgive me and to forgive them and bless them.
I even asked God to forgive my choir teacher. In all my life I have had only disfavor from 2 teachers. One was my fault and I corrected that in the end. I've always been liked by teachers. Not because I was any great academic but I really enjoyed being in a class.I loved contributing and finding out stuff before it was taught. I loved interacting with the teachers, talking with them and getting advice and their views on life. I loved teachers because they had to be heroes to do the job they were doing.
This choir teacher was a nun. But I believe she was routing for the wrong side if you know what I mean. She was my 2nd year teacher (in the states they would call that pre- school), and she was the choir teacher. Our choir was a prestigious group. Most of the members were well to do, fair in complexion and had active parents who often contributed to the school. I considered myself not eligible in any category ( though some may argue that I at least qualified in the fairer one - I don't recall any dark skinned children in the choir). For the life of me I would swear that this woman had it out for me. I was in the choir for 5 years and not once did she put me to sing a solo, even though (imo) I had one of the better voices. Every time I tried out, she would send me back saying I know your voice already, don't bother. Imagine what that does to a 7 year old? She (to me) was evil incarnate.
Once I was walking down the street, I know I looked both ways, but she came speeding from no where and almost hit me. Some other pedestrians checked me out to see if I was okay and shouted a few choice words after her car. The next day, she said to me that I must be careful crossing the street. Evil I tell you. A couple years later she left to study and great was my rejoicing. I still sang in the choir but still was too fearful to try out for solo parts. Then, it happened. She came back, not just as a teacher but as Principal. Well you could imagine my joy, it was overwhelming. It was my final year of primary school and my last chance to try out for a solo in this illustrious choir. But I never did. I stayed in the background quietly doing my thing and left the school running. I wanted to repeat fifth standard because I was not happy about the school I was going to, but just the thought of my old choir teacher being the new Principal and going back to be under her authority was enough to send me embracing my new school with the bad reputation.
Some years later, while I was just working in the top bank in the country, I promoted in the bank to be a Customer Service counter officer (from being a bank teller) and I saw my former choir teacher/principal. She was the only nun who didn't wear a nun uniform. I didn't ask, she never told. She stepped into the bank foyer looking around for someone to attend to her. It had been almost 10 years and seeing this woman still brought back scary feelings. I immediately busied myself so as to not attend to her. But as luck would have it, she was brought directly to me.
She didn't recognize me of course and was very pleasant while she explained her situation. I can't really say I heard all that she said, I just kept looking at her thinking of all the things I could do and say to her that could make her day even more terrible.
Somehow I was able to pull myself together and do what she had requested. It wasn't difficult but you just had to know what to look for. She complimented me highly, saying she had so much trouble in the past but she didn't want to dwell on it. I said to her, sometimes the past should be left in the past. She smiled and said next time she would look for me if she needed help and asked me my name. I smiled and hesitated a bit, but i told her my first name. She shook my hand and was off. You can't imagine the feelings that I had to subdue, but I was glad I did and felt the better for it. She didn't even recognize me and I never saw her since. I felt like I had a Joseph moment.
So what's the moral of all of what I've said, the title sums it up well. I have been doing choirs since I was 17 both children and adults and I am glad to say I have learned from my former choir teacher's mistake. I told this story recently to my choir and they saw the irony of it all. I can't say I have completely gotten over singing solos because I have had several opportunities in my life to do so, I try to refrain from it but thankfully I've dealt with that fear. I love how easy it is to deal with a fear once you have recognized the source of it, that's 3/4 of the work done. But then that's another story all by itself.
As I went through the faces one by one, I started to recall my interactions with each person. I went to an all girl catholic school that was considered one of the top elementary schools in the country. To date, I do not know how all my sisters got into that school, because it was very far from where we lived and we didn't come from a background of money or prestige. I'm sure the administrative staff and principals thought the same as well.
So most of the girls in my class came from well to do homes or had great academic family backgrounds of which very few of us belonged to neither, and those are the ones I would find myself in friendship with. They eventually went on to the best high schools and for some reason I went to a school that I didn't even put on my list. I was a victim of circumstance, fell through the cracks and my family didn't have the social capital to get me out of it. My mother tried but my dad just didn't care. The funny thing is the school I eventually went to, though it had (at that time) one of the worst reputations in the country, turned out to be one of my better school experiences with friends who i still love and enjoy today.
Needless to say most of my primary school mates, I'm no longer in contact with once I left that era of my life. From their facebook profiles, most are unmarried with kids. I guess that is why they were so easy to find. It's so hard to find females on facebook especially if they use their married names and you don't know it. Most of them look like a resemblance of themselves but the wear and tear of life shows. And though a picture speaks a thousand words, empty seems to be the one word that screams out when you look at the pictures. That may be judgmental of me one might say, ok then, maybe they just chose the wrong picture to represent themselves and we'll leave it at that. I did take consolation in the fact that I looked so much better than they did...haha... sweet justice. But they did have one thing over me and this is something that I desired to have by a certain age, my degree. But due to circumstances in life, it just wasn't possible at this time.
Let's be honest, I looked at most of them and remembered how much I disliked them and how they treated me. I recalled all the silly games and conversations we had or the fights and silent moments as they would gang up on weaker individuals. This is so funny, because most of them are friends with each other. That fact struck me most of all. I guess birds of a feather to flock together. But I don't want the reader to leave with the feeling that I was bitter or still is . I really am not. The thing is once you start focusing on unpleasant things in the past it becomes your present. So I started looking at the good things in my life. I looked at the fact that I married the man of my dreams. A great husband and an exceptional father. I have two gorgeous kids who I can't wait to see when they wake up in the morning and spend time with. I've had a successful career in Banking and Teaching. I am skilled in several areas and function in many areas in all the churches I've been to. And most of all I have the love of a Father who has seen me through all of the worst times in my life and who only has the best for me. The relationship I have with Him and the character that he has formed in me is priceless. I am humbled that He loves me so much.
Then while I was thinking about those good things, I started to reflect on how I could've been different. How I could've been a better friend or person to be around. And I repented. I recalled specifics situations that for the first time I saw how I contributed to my own unhappiness and finally dealt with it. Of course I told my husband how I felt and he encouraged me as he should. But even when people encourage you, you still have to deal with it yourself. And I asked God to forgive me and to forgive them and bless them.
I even asked God to forgive my choir teacher. In all my life I have had only disfavor from 2 teachers. One was my fault and I corrected that in the end. I've always been liked by teachers. Not because I was any great academic but I really enjoyed being in a class.I loved contributing and finding out stuff before it was taught. I loved interacting with the teachers, talking with them and getting advice and their views on life. I loved teachers because they had to be heroes to do the job they were doing.
This choir teacher was a nun. But I believe she was routing for the wrong side if you know what I mean. She was my 2nd year teacher (in the states they would call that pre- school), and she was the choir teacher. Our choir was a prestigious group. Most of the members were well to do, fair in complexion and had active parents who often contributed to the school. I considered myself not eligible in any category ( though some may argue that I at least qualified in the fairer one - I don't recall any dark skinned children in the choir). For the life of me I would swear that this woman had it out for me. I was in the choir for 5 years and not once did she put me to sing a solo, even though (imo) I had one of the better voices. Every time I tried out, she would send me back saying I know your voice already, don't bother. Imagine what that does to a 7 year old? She (to me) was evil incarnate.
Once I was walking down the street, I know I looked both ways, but she came speeding from no where and almost hit me. Some other pedestrians checked me out to see if I was okay and shouted a few choice words after her car. The next day, she said to me that I must be careful crossing the street. Evil I tell you. A couple years later she left to study and great was my rejoicing. I still sang in the choir but still was too fearful to try out for solo parts. Then, it happened. She came back, not just as a teacher but as Principal. Well you could imagine my joy, it was overwhelming. It was my final year of primary school and my last chance to try out for a solo in this illustrious choir. But I never did. I stayed in the background quietly doing my thing and left the school running. I wanted to repeat fifth standard because I was not happy about the school I was going to, but just the thought of my old choir teacher being the new Principal and going back to be under her authority was enough to send me embracing my new school with the bad reputation.
Some years later, while I was just working in the top bank in the country, I promoted in the bank to be a Customer Service counter officer (from being a bank teller) and I saw my former choir teacher/principal. She was the only nun who didn't wear a nun uniform. I didn't ask, she never told. She stepped into the bank foyer looking around for someone to attend to her. It had been almost 10 years and seeing this woman still brought back scary feelings. I immediately busied myself so as to not attend to her. But as luck would have it, she was brought directly to me.
She didn't recognize me of course and was very pleasant while she explained her situation. I can't really say I heard all that she said, I just kept looking at her thinking of all the things I could do and say to her that could make her day even more terrible.
Somehow I was able to pull myself together and do what she had requested. It wasn't difficult but you just had to know what to look for. She complimented me highly, saying she had so much trouble in the past but she didn't want to dwell on it. I said to her, sometimes the past should be left in the past. She smiled and said next time she would look for me if she needed help and asked me my name. I smiled and hesitated a bit, but i told her my first name. She shook my hand and was off. You can't imagine the feelings that I had to subdue, but I was glad I did and felt the better for it. She didn't even recognize me and I never saw her since. I felt like I had a Joseph moment.
So what's the moral of all of what I've said, the title sums it up well. I have been doing choirs since I was 17 both children and adults and I am glad to say I have learned from my former choir teacher's mistake. I told this story recently to my choir and they saw the irony of it all. I can't say I have completely gotten over singing solos because I have had several opportunities in my life to do so, I try to refrain from it but thankfully I've dealt with that fear. I love how easy it is to deal with a fear once you have recognized the source of it, that's 3/4 of the work done. But then that's another story all by itself.
