How do you solve a problem like Maria!

I believe every girl wants to have a little girl of their own when they grow up. I can't say how much I wanted a little girl. She would be beautiful, strong , kind, obedient, loving and would rule the world! When my Arie was born, I believe she was all that and then some. And as she grew, my husband and I knew that we were in for some rough times ahead.

She is headstrong, never admits she is wrong and never apologizes unless she gets something out of it. This makes us very sad. I love my daughter dearly, but tonight after a small incident that turned into the revelation of some serious dishonesty, arrogant..basically 'heart' issues filled with poor choices....I found myself at 10:30 pm by her bedside, crying and praying over her as she slept.

How do you solve a problem like Maria was one of my fav songs from a fav movie of mine. Sound of Music. And so when I was brainstorming a title for this blog, it naturally popped right in my head. It generally sums up my little headstrong girl. She's only 9, but we feel like we're losing her to herself. No matter how many times we talk to her and show her that we're there for her...love her....it's like we're tackling an unsolvable problem. I know we're not the first parents to have kids who have decided that they know all that is best, but it sure feels lonely. Just tonight we were sharing with some of our friends our frustrations, our triumphs in parenting our girl and the best advice emerged. Sometimes all you can do is pray. So tonight, that's just what I did. ..prayed and cried and prayed and cried.

I often see a lot of myself in her. It bothered me for awhile and to be honest I didn't know quite how to deal with it. In fact, I've made so many mistakes with her. But it was only when I realized I was being extra hard on her because I didn't want her to make mistakes or even the same mistakes I made, that I decided I should change the way I deal with her. I have had awful parents, parents who didn't have a clue how to parent, to love and parents who themselves were not parented. So many times I've felt lost and tried to talk to them from my heart, but I was always rejected in some way or the other. They even told me that I love to cry quickly and I should be tough. Well I took their advice and I survived . But I keep telling my daughter to talk to us, we love you and want the best for you. Why are you making us your enemies? I just don't get it. And we've tried so many things, and just when one strategy starts to work...we have to try another to suit the changing climate of this 9 year old girl.

Father, please help us with her. We love her so much, she is our first born and we cherish the years we have with her. Please show us how to be the parents she needs. We can no longer do it on our own...nor did we try. Please help us....Amen.

The House that was built upon the Rock

I am always looking at ways to communicate to my daughter. She's a very curious 9 year old and my husband always complains that I give her too much information. One of the things I do, to not go crazy or to keep my dreams alive is look at houses. I've never owned a house and it's a dream of mine to own one. I love big houses, where everything is big including the back yard.

So this morning, my daughter Arie and I are looking at houses in various states. This one state had lovely homes and great prices. We were really dreaming and enjoying ourselves. Talking about what we would do with the rooms, the backyard garden and swing set..etc etc. A few minutes later, when I was having a shower...it hit me. We can compare our lives to homes. I started thinking of how God created us and put the highest value that is possible on our lives. We are worth that much to him. So mentally, I'm telling my daughter this. (I have to prepare mentally cause she asks tough questions....) God placed the highest value on her just as an expert builder would expect his house that he built to be valued. People would come and want that house, but wouldn't want to pay that much for it...so they look for faults or ways they can help depreciate the value of the house. That's what some people do. They try to bring you down so they can control , manipulate or use you for their own purposes.

Image of the Mean Girl's cast. 

Then there is the depreciation value of the neighborhood. This is reflective of the friends we keep close to us. I was baffled the first time I heard this many years ago, that if the neighbor doesn't take care of his home or lawn, the value of your home can be depreciated. And it's so true with our own lives. Our value depreciates when we hang out and keep company with the wrong people. There are persons who look good, seem strong and loyal. But really they are weak, insecure, combative, polarizing, never compromising, ill reputation, immature and too toxic to be around. They can't get along with anyone, so they try to join your neighborhood to make themselves look good. God doesn't want our value to depreciate because of those people. He also doesn't want us to hate them. Recognise who they are and what they bring and pray for them.....show God 's love by example because only he can bring change to someone else's life. In doing that we grow in character and strength and therefore, God has effected change in our own lives.

The weather patterns also play and important role in attracting the right buyer for a house. Some states are so cold or so hot. There are states prone to hurricanes and tornadoes, flooding etc.These factors are not in our hands and they are representative of life's trials and tribulations. How a house prepares it self or deals with these spontaneous events also increases or decreases it's value. That's when home improvements need to be made to be more prepared and provide a safe haven for  it's owners. Just like our bodies. We face unexpected trials, death of loved ones and uncertainties. How we deal with it or learn from it says something about our value. And we make improvements to better gird ourselves for the next challenge. Dealing with these events and overcoming them are not just for our benefit but for others. We can help others who may be going through the same uncertainties by sharing our experiences with them. They, in turn, can share theirs which will also help to make us stronger.

Our foundation plays the most important part. House built on shady standings are easily destroyed. I would tell Arielle to build her house on the foundation of Jesus Christ. The living true God, the Rock of our salvation. When you build your home on great values, morals and righteous living, you are able to withstand all the things life throws at you. In this day of an overload of information and exposure to things that God calls sinful even today, we need a foundation in Christ. No matter how things change, our foundation and standards never change. It's what makes us strong and preserves our lives as landmarks despite the changing the times. I would admonish her to build her life upon these principles.

Young people have so many challenges in this new era which only means so many opportunities to reflect the love of Jesus and the Lordship of who he is in their lives. Don't let the world or people dictate your standards and your value. Don't let pressures make you into something you're not. Stand firm on the Rock!

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.."

     A good story has a great title and an even better first line. Writers call it the "hook". Once your first line has that captivating sentence and brings provocative thought and great expectation, you've got yourself a bestseller. Well, the story I'm about to tell is true. It happened only today. A page in my very exciting  and never boring life. 

I was feeling good. Vaughn had completed the grueling comp exam and had some free time today. I just completed helping someone with a science project that we both enjoyed at their home. They live in the Haslett area. Upon leaving, I inquired after the location of the nearest post office. I was elated to send a money order abroad for the payment of receiving my albums. I hadn't seen my wedding, honeymoon or Arielle's first baby pics since we left Trinidad in 2007. The nearest postal office was on Haslett road, just beyond the railway track. A very small post office, only consisted of two clerks who seemed nice enough and spoke loudly. 

There were just 3 other customers beside me and for this season, this was good. The postal workers were moving very quickly. Soon, I was next and the postal officer called Denice beckoned me forward with " Next".

I walked forward with a smile, very happy to be getting through so quickly and said hello. I told her I wanted to purchase in international postal order and have it mailed to Canada. She looked at me, no expression on her face and turned to the clerk next to her. She repeated what I said very loud and mockingly, rolling her eyes with every word and walked away to the back. At this point, I stared on in absolute shock. I couldn't believe what I just saw happen. An awkward silence filled the small room as everyone turned to me to see what my reaction would be. Well, the old me would've reacted differently. But the new me had other plans. I just stood there still in shock. 

After a  minute, I was able to turn my head and close my mouth and look to the other clerk, who was still staring at me ...also in amazement. She kindly said that this transaction is not something they do often so they may not have the money orders. The customer she was attending to also chimed in, to help fill the awkward silence and said that it's good to know cause sometimes she would want to purchase postal orders. 

Denice came back, still expressionless and said Ma'am we do not have any international money orders, you'll have to go to the Okemos office. I gave a brief smile and left the post office. I was very very mad and too upset to talk. I called Vaughn on the phone and related the story to him.

Usually in situations like this, I always have a response, but I was so shocked....I couldn't say a word. I wondered after what could possibly be the reason for her to be so horrible and give me such awful customer service. And in moments like this, when all reason fails....I wonder if it's because of my race. Because I couldn't think of any other reason why this person would single me out and treat me with such great disrespect. 

I didn't know where the Okemos PO was and I wasn't about to ask Denice where it was. So I went to the East Lansing PO some distance away. The lines were long but the service was quick. When I got to the top of the line, I asked the clerk if they sold International postal orders here. She said yes, it would take a few minutes but it can be done. I got through with the money order and the clerk noticed the puzzled look on my face. I told her what happened to me just a few minutes ago and she gave me a number to call to make a complaint. She told me I should call the postmaster at the PO in haslett and let them know what happened. 

Finally I got home and went directly to the phone. I first called the Haslett PO, because I didn't want to complain to the consumer affairs dept without having gone through the right channels. I called the haslett PO and Denice answered the phone. I said hello and inquired of her to speak to the postmaster of the outlet or the supervisor. Denice informed me that she was the postmaster. I said to her that I should speak to someone else, maybe someone higher that her. She said ..it's okay you can speak to me. To this, I said that it wont be right seeing that I am calling to make a complaint about her and I don't think she is the best person to speak to . This probably shocked her because she didn't responded. I continued by saying that I was there earlier and asked if she remembered me the customer who she was very rude too and I need to complain about her disrespect and poor customer service. She eventually found her voice and gave me a number. I said thank you ( all in a very calm voice) and hung up. 

Now you're thinking I called the number she gave me. Nope I didn't. I called consumer affairs and spoke the the regional manager over the Haslett and Okemos PO. She apologized to me and said that the behavior of the postmaster was unacceptable. She told me that I would be contacted by Denice's direct supervisor shortly. Less than an hour later, I received a call from the said supervisor and retold my story. His voice showed shock and disbelief. He said he didn't understand the reason for the disrespectful behavior and went on about the type of transaction etc. He apologized over and over and assured me it would be handled. 

Suffice it to say, I felt much better. Of course I would never go to that PO again in Haslett and I prayed that Denice would not treat anyone the way she treated me today. If it's one thing that makes a person feel less than human is unwarranted disrespect for whatever reason. 

I had an awful couple of days prior to today. Sometimes I wonder why I have those experiences. It's not uncommon to some but I seem to have a knack for attracting situations, others so easily don't encounter. By nature I am not someone that is afraid to say what's on my heart. But I'm always looking for reasons why or intentions when dealing with these customer service issues. 

The best of times came later today. I got to go through my albums with my husband and walk down memory lane. It felt like a lifetime ago. I got to share the photos with my kids and show how young healthy looking we were before they were born....haha. Just kidding. Athough, Arielle kept saying how skinny I was. Lovely memories and sad moments. What would life be without  a mixture of the two. Life is too short to harbor hate towards people...especially people we don't know or understand or who don't look or behave like us. Everyone this weekend reflected on their own mortality after the Sandy Hook shootings. Innocent kids and trusted teachers lost their lives senselessly. Even now it brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. These are the times we live it.....the best of times and the worst of times....but we shall continue to say...:To God be the Glory". 

Sad but necessary

Ok, this is not a nice blog but I thought it best to record my thoughts here. Every time I think of death I cry. I have seen it and experienced it so many times in my life in innocent lives. It's hard for me even to write this post and not cry.

So I would want to be cremated. I don't want my family to spend much money on my funeral. I would love a Headstone that says.."When you think on me, Smile...I miss you too." My husband should remarry. I don't want him to be alone...but his new wife better treat my kids like they are the Cat's meow...or I'll haunt them....lol.

 I want my funeral to be lively, lots of singing and great funny stories. My life certainly was  quite interesting and I'm sure I've put myself in so many awkward and funny situations, that anyone can pull a scene out of a hat. And the collage of pictures better be the ones that I have previously approved.

It would be nice if they can have either vases, candles, tea cups or some little keep sake with either my name or picture on it...but that might be too vain....nah....that would be nice.

My kids must grow up and be Christ followers. They must know that I love them dearly and would've jumped into any disaster so they could live. Why am I writing this now...I don't know....I hope I can read this  40, 50 + years from now and make changes if necessary. I don't know why...I just feel to be sad I guess. Arielle and Caiden were both born after great loss. They lived! And though they are polar opposites in temperament....they were the strong ones....they survived and were chosen to live with Vaughn and me. I will dedicate another blog to them. If I have not achieved anything in this life...I've achieved having the best kids and the best husband. They are certainly worth living for.

Ok, I am writing this blog and I'm seeing Don Lemon wearing an awkward bow tie. I know that Washington state gave the ok to same sex marriage. So I'm guessing he probably got married to day....that's interesting.....but the bow tie is horrible.

Anyway, I don't want to continue too much about my funeral. I like flowers....especially red and yellow roses and red and yellow carnations. Anything lilac is good too....just throwing that in...and don't forget the jokes.
See you next post. Until then...I'm going to live!

December 7th 2012- Wow it's been a while

Well it's December 7th 2012 and I can't believe, the last time I wrote a post was November 22nd 2010. So many things have happened since then.

1. Firstly, I chopped my hair off and grew it back...(no I gave up and went back to relaxed hair) - loser...lol. 
2. Vaughn has less than 18 months again to finish his PhD. 
3. Arielle started a new school this fall. She is 8 and annoying. That rhymes doesn't it. Well, for the past few weeks, Arielle and I have been tangling. But that's another story.
4.  Caiden is 4 and attending Head start. 
5. I am no longer friends with two of my neighbors. So my life is now drama free....yay!!!
6.  Some really horrible neighbors moved in next door and left after 9 months. They were the worst neighbors I have ever met. They practically trashed the apt and made my life very unbearable.
7.  I've gained more weight and am very depressed. I really need to lose this weight. 
8. I am no longer directing the choir after two very successful years. I was voted in as the new Co Chair of UACOR and I left.
9. I have tutored in Math and English. Still tutoring and enjoying it very much. 
10. We finally got our car fixed.....at least to a point where it is drivable. 
11. Vaughn is getting to work on a huge project with the Detroit pd, which will affect his dissertation topic.
12. Went to Chicago at least 3 times. Hung out with Petra.
13. Met some really nice people. Dropped some also....at least...we're not as close.
14. Battled with the state to get Caiden's medicaid reinstated. Met a really nice lawyer who migrated to Mexico. She encouraged me to become a lawyer.
15. Sat in a couple classes on the African American Experience and the Black power movement. Now I am so proud to be black.
16. Enjoying a real long lasting, strong and can't believe how great it is now marriage. Love my husband. 
17. Lived on a ranch for 3 weeks and took care of goats, pigeons, chickens, ducks and other animals. Lost the turtle. 
18. Went to Marvin Saap"s church in Grand Rapids.
19. Made 3 outfits for Arielle. Sewed them myself...very proud of that.
20. Deactivated my facebook account so many times. Got rid of a number of person too. 
21. Got a family photo shoot. 
22. So so many things that I can't remember but for this last bulletin....I would say November 8th was my last relaxer. I am going natural again...long term transitioning and I finally found a good hairdresser.

So that in a nutshell has been my life for the past 2 years and then some. I am really writing this post to focus more on me going natural again. On new year's day this year, I skyped with my two sisters. They gave me a hard time about my hair. So I gave in and relaxed it...after 5 months of being relaxer free and rocking a TWA (teeny weeny afro). Now, I regret giving in so easy. I should've stuck with it. But I realized too, that Vaughn wasn't so happy with the very short look. Oh well. Hopefully I will be more successful this time in this longterm transition. 

This is a current pic of my relaxed hair and length. It's been 3 weeks since my last relaxer. I really need to lose this excess weight around my waist and I need to stop being so stressed. Here's to success in all those areas. Cheers!!

Sometimes the Past should be left in the past.

Recently I was surfing on facebook and decided to look up some old school friends from my former primary school. As I found most of them I felt sad, because then I remembered that I didn't quite enjoy my elementary school experience. Believe it or not I had an odd mixture of being very bold and very insecure at the same time. I was bold in the sense that I was never afraid to tell you exactly what I thought without using the rules of diplomacy. Trust me I have finally mastered this after years and years of foot in mouth disease. And I was insecure in that I lacked self confidence. People looking on wouldn't have realized that as much because of how unafraid I was to express myself verbally, but I had serious insecurities.
As I went through the faces one by one, I started to recall my interactions with each person. I went to an all girl catholic school that was considered one of the top elementary schools in the country. To date, I do not know how all my sisters got into that school, because it was very far from where we lived and we didn't come from a background of money or prestige. I'm sure the administrative staff and principals thought the same as well.
So most of the girls in my class came from well to do homes or had great academic family backgrounds of which very few of us belonged to neither, and those are the ones I would find myself in friendship with. They eventually went on to the best high schools and for some reason I went to a school that I didn't even put on my list. I was a victim of circumstance, fell through the cracks and my family didn't have the social capital to get me out of it. My mother tried but my dad just didn't care. The funny thing is the school I eventually went to, though it had (at that time) one of the worst reputations in the country, turned out to be one of my better school experiences with friends who i still love and enjoy today.
Needless to say most of my primary school mates, I'm no longer in contact with once I left that era of my life. From their facebook profiles, most are unmarried with kids. I guess that is why they were so easy to find. It's so hard to find females on facebook especially if they use their married names and you don't know it. Most of them look like a resemblance of themselves but the wear and tear of life shows. And though a picture speaks a thousand words, empty seems to be the one word that screams out when you look at the pictures. That may be judgmental of me one might say, ok then, maybe they just chose the wrong picture to represent themselves and we'll leave it at that. I did take consolation in the fact that I looked so much better than they did...haha... sweet justice. But they did have one thing over me and this is something that I desired to have by a certain age, my degree. But due to circumstances in life, it just wasn't possible at this time.
Let's be honest, I looked at most of them and remembered how much I disliked them and how they treated me. I recalled all the silly games and conversations we had or the fights and silent moments as they would gang up on weaker individuals. This is so funny, because most of them are friends with each other. That fact struck me most of all. I guess birds of a feather to flock together. But I don't want the reader to leave with the feeling that I was bitter or still is . I really am not. The thing is once you start focusing on unpleasant things in the past it becomes your present. So I started looking at the good things in my life. I looked at the fact that I married the man of my dreams. A great husband and an exceptional father. I have two gorgeous kids who I can't wait to see when they wake up in the morning and spend time with. I've had a successful career in Banking and Teaching. I am skilled in several areas and function in many areas in all the churches I've been to. And most of all I have the love of a Father who has seen me through all of the worst times in my life and who only has the best for me. The relationship I have with Him and the character that he has formed in me is priceless. I am humbled that He loves me so much.
Then while I was thinking about those good things, I started to reflect on how I could've been different. How I could've been a better friend or person to be around. And I repented. I recalled specifics situations that for the first time I saw how I contributed to my own unhappiness and finally dealt with it. Of course I told my husband how I felt and he encouraged me as he should. But even when people encourage you, you still have to deal with it yourself. And I asked God to forgive me and to forgive them and bless them.
I even asked God to forgive my choir teacher. In all my life I have had only disfavor from 2 teachers. One was my fault and I corrected that in the end. I've always been liked by teachers. Not because I was any great academic but I really enjoyed being in a class.I loved contributing and finding out stuff before it was taught. I loved interacting with the teachers, talking with them and getting advice and their views on life. I loved teachers because they had to be heroes to do the job they were doing.
This choir teacher was a nun. But I believe she was routing for the wrong side if you know what I mean. She was my 2nd year teacher (in the states they would call that pre- school), and she was the choir teacher. Our choir was a prestigious group. Most of the members were well to do, fair in complexion and had active parents who often contributed to the school. I considered myself not eligible in any category ( though some may argue that I at least qualified in the fairer one - I don't recall any dark skinned children in the choir). For the life of me I would swear that this woman had it out for me. I was in the choir for 5 years and not once did she put me to sing a solo, even though (imo) I had one of the better voices. Every time I tried out, she would send me back saying I know your voice already, don't bother. Imagine what that does to a 7 year old? She (to me) was evil incarnate.
Once I was walking down the street, I know I looked both ways, but she came speeding from no where and almost hit me. Some other pedestrians checked me out to see if I was okay and shouted a few choice words after her car. The next day, she said to me that I must be careful crossing the street. Evil I tell you. A couple years later she left to study and great was my rejoicing. I still sang in the choir but still was too fearful to try out for solo parts. Then, it happened. She came back, not just as a teacher but as Principal. Well you could imagine my joy, it was overwhelming. It was my final year of primary school and my last chance to try out for a solo in this illustrious choir. But I never did. I stayed in the background quietly doing my thing and left the school running. I wanted to repeat fifth standard because I was not happy about the school I was going to, but just the thought of my old choir teacher being the new Principal and going back to be under her authority was enough to send me embracing my new school with the bad reputation.
Some years later, while I was just working in the top bank in the country, I promoted in the bank to be a Customer Service counter officer (from being a bank teller) and I saw my former choir teacher/principal. She was the only nun who didn't wear a nun uniform. I didn't ask, she never told. She stepped into the bank foyer looking around for someone to attend to her. It had been almost 10 years and seeing this woman still brought back scary feelings. I immediately busied myself so as to not attend to her. But as luck would have it, she was brought directly to me.
She didn't recognize me of course and was very pleasant while she explained her situation. I can't really say I heard all that she said, I just kept looking at her thinking of all the things I could do and say to her that could make her day even more terrible.
Somehow I was able to pull myself together and do what she had requested. It wasn't difficult but you just had to know what to look for. She complimented me highly, saying she had so much trouble in the past but she didn't want to dwell on it. I said to her, sometimes the past should be left in the past. She smiled and said next time she would look for me if she needed help and asked me my name. I smiled and hesitated a bit, but i told her my first name. She shook my hand and was off. You can't imagine the feelings that I had to subdue, but I was glad I did and felt the better for it. She didn't even recognize me and I never saw her since. I felt like I had a Joseph moment.
So what's the moral of all of what I've said, the title sums it up well. I have been doing choirs since I was 17 both children and adults and I am glad to say I have learned from my former choir teacher's mistake. I told this story recently to my choir and they saw the irony of it all. I can't say I have completely gotten over singing solos because I have had several opportunities in my life to do so, I try to refrain from it but thankfully I've dealt with that fear. I love how easy it is to deal with a fear once you have recognized the source of it, that's 3/4 of the work done. But then that's another story all by itself.

To spank or not to spank....that's the question.

This might be a very controversial topic because so many parents share differing views. Some say to never spank kids, its wrong and barbaric and really serves no purpose in the end. Others say it depends on the child. Some even say ....yes kids need to be spanked....it's biblical but they stop at the point of abuse. Abuse is never an option in any of the arguments listed out their for the discipline of children by sane, normal people. And if one does agree with the principle of spanking, at what age is should it be terminated?
I myself have entered countless debates on this issue and admittedly I tend to float between all of the above. When I was a child, my mother subscribed to the principle that if a child misbehaves, spank and spank with whatever is nearby. If the child is far away a projectile spanking is in order. This has been the principle of many older caribbean parents. In some cases, the expression a child is raised by a village also meant that a child is disciplined by the village. Of course to the child this was most unfair and unwarranted. But it usually kept the conscientious child out of trouble.
But lets look at the factors that affect whether a parent spanks or not:

The seriousness of the offense
This is self explanatory. Depending on how serious the offense and the age of the child, some parents believe a good licking is in order.

The Repeated Offense.
Just today I admit that I had to calm myself and not give my 6 year old a slap on the butt. Arielle comes home from school or church or anywhere for that matter and throws her clothes on the floor. And she doesn't stop there......everything goes on the floor. This happens every single evening as a rule. I mean every single evening. And it is most annoying. I sometimes wonder is she loves mess, well I should say I'm convinced she is the messiest child in the world.

The Mood of the parent.
This is so true. Usually if I'm in a good mood. I let things slide a bit more. As they say..."Don't sweat the small stuff." My daughter usually recognizes I'm a good mood and it feels as if she is adamant to change it. But usually when I'm in a good mood I am better able to let her off on the hook on the small stuff. which brings me to the next factor.

The Stress Level of the parent.
Being a single parent is not an easy thing especially when it comes to raising kids. Sometimes even when you are married and you don't have the support of your spouse, or they are never at home to help you, is very stressful. I believe their is a reason why it takes two to make a child. God doesn't do anything by coincidence, there is always a master plan. In fact abuse among kids are very high among hard working, neglected single parents (both fathers and mothers).

The Culture of the Parent
How parents were raised, their beliefs and cultural frame of referencing in parenting is very much a factor on how they discipline their kids.